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FRE:NrCH'S 

NO 99. 



MY WIFE'S MIRROR: 

A 

COMEDY, IN ONE ACT, ' ^ 

BY 

ED. G. P. WILKIN g. 



With Cast of Characters. Stage Bvsiness, Costumes. Relative 
Position.s, etc. etc. 



AS PERFORMED AT THF PRINCIPAL THKATRKS. 



PRICE. 



NEW-YORK : 
SAMUEL FRENCH, 

121 IVASSAL'-STRFET. 



Vii CEMS. 



FRENCH'S 

J 

Cjjc Slctina EOitfon. 
No. XCIX. 



-=♦■?= 



MY 



WIFE'S MIRIiOR: 



€c 



^ COMEDY, IN ONE ACT. 



B Y ED. G. P. W I L K I N S. 



TO ■WHICH ARE ADDED, 



A Description of tho Costume — Cast of the Characters — Entrances and Kxit» 

Relative Positions of the Performers on the Stage, and the whole of the 

Stage Business. 

AS FIRST PERFORMED AT LAURA KEENE's VARIETIES, N. T. 



NEW- YORK : 
SAMUEL FRENCH, 

121 NASSAU-STREET. 






CCast of t})e ffijjaractets,— (My Wife's Mirror.) 
Laura Kecne's Varieties, N. Y. 1856. , Cincinnati, June, 1856. 



Mr. JR. Racket, Mr. Geo. Jordan. 
Mr. Pax Peaceable, T.B. Johnson. 
Mr. Vingt-un, Howard. 

John, Mrs. 7"s serv't. Carpenter. 
Mrs. Jt. Racket, Miss Laura Keene. 
Mrs. Torpedo, relict \ 

of the late Culcmel 1 

Torpedo, nfthe 1st j 

Utah Dragoons, J 

Miss Kate Reignolds. 
Mary, - Miss McDonough. 



Mr. Racket, Mr. Mortimer. 

Mr. Pax Peaceable, Tannyhill. 

i)frs. Racket, Mrs. I. C. Frost. 

Mrs. lorpedo, Mrs. "VV. H. Leighton. 



(Jtostumcs.— (My "Wife's Mirroe.) 
MR. RACKET. — Fust, Morning dress. Second, Promenade. >y 
MR. PEACEABLE.— Black suit, white cravat, no beard. * . '^ ' 
MRS. RACKET. — First, Morning dress. Second, promenade. 
MRS. TORPEDO.— Modern. 



Managers are notified, that b}' provisions of the Act of Con- 
gress, approved August 18, T856, they are liable to a penalty of not less 
than SlOO per night, should they play this piece without permission of 
the author. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 

L. means First Entrance, Left. R. First Entrance, Right. S. E. L. 
Second Entrance, Left. S. E. R. Second Entrance, Risrht. V. E. L. 
Upper Entrance, Lef'. U. E. R. Upper Entrance, Risht. (1 Centre. 
L. C. Left of Centre R. C. R^cht of Centre. T. E. L " Third Entrance, 
Left. T. E. R. Thrd Entrance, Right. C. D. Centre Door. D. R. 
Door Risht. D. L. Door Left. U. D. L. Upper Door, Left. U. D. R. 
Upper Door, Right, 

*»* The Reader is supposed to he on the Stage, facing the Audience. 



MY WIFE'S MIRROR. 



SCENE I. — A Breakfast Room, tcith Garden beyond. In addition to 
the usual furniture, there should he a practicable Book Case, r., a Table, 
with breakfast ready set, l., and two Lounges, R. and t., with Work-table 
in c, covered with books, a China or plaster vase ; practicable fire-place. 

Enter Racket, c. d. 

Hac. I'm ferociously hungry. I wonder why the d — 1 Mrs. R. does 
not appear. [Looks at his watch.] Half past eight ! Ah ! there was a 
time when you didn't breakfast at nine o'clock, Mr. Racket I — Great 
times those, my boy. Club, frequently; station-house, sometimes; no 

end of whist and whiskey, and well, that's all over Sic transit. 

Here I am, five days married to the loveliest of women ; 1 positively 
adore her I — so ethcrial — a sort of crinoline angel. She does come it 
rather strong on Longfellow. Good gracious, how hungry I am — won- 
der if she thinks I can breakfast on trochaics — I prefer chops. 

Enter Mrs. R.^cket, a 

Mrs. Rac. [Steals behind Racket, leans on his shoulder, looking i7i his 
face.] I my love, you are the most faultless of men. 

Rar. [Twirling his moustache.] Flatterer ! [-4«jtie.] I wish I had my 
breakfast. 

Mrs. Rac. No, my adored one, I do not flatter. I see you as you 
really are — of perfect goodness — handsome as Apollo — chaste as Ado- 
nis — a mind of angelic sweetness — virtuous as a sermon — poetic as the 
editor of the Home Journal — etherial as 

Enter Mary, c. 

Mary. Breakfast, madam. 

Rac. Thank Heaven I 

Mrs. Rac. Disgusting interruption! Serve it. [They sit at the break- 
fast table ; Racket, l.. attemptingr, but irithout success, to cojiceal his 
enormous appetite, and Mrs. R. looking at him rvith wonder and alarm.] 
Was not that literary soiree of the Dusenbery's a splendid aifairl How 
you enjoyed it! 

Rac. Yes — delicious — splendid — so intellectual. [A.^ide.] The moat 
villanous apology for supper that I ever saw. Coffee, if you please! 

Mrs. Rac. I had such a splendid chat with that beautiful Graphnap- 
kinzen. 



4 MT WIFKS MIRROR. 

Rac. Grab what 1 

Mrs. Rac. Not Grab — Graph — Graphknapkinzen — formerly editor 
of the 

Rac. Have another chop 1 

Mrs. Rac. No, thank you — editor of the Slykinhabgerbatz Dcmokrat. 
He was exiled for his 

Rac. Awful butchery. 

Mrs. Rac. What \ 

Rac. Oh ! I meant the chops ! 

Mrs. Rac. Exiled for his attachment to the popular cause, and now 
he seeks in a foreign land 

Rac. [To Mary.] Spoons ! 

Mrs. Rac. Seeks in a foreign land that repose beneath the tree of lib- 
erty which was denied him in his own — and where he hopes to 
taste 

Rack. Sausages! 

Mrs. Rac. Don't you like the German type of character, my dear! 

Rac. Infinitely, rny dear. [.4s?(ie.] I can't read a word of it. 

Mrs. Rac. If there had been no Germany we should have had no 
Goethe. 

Rac. No lager bier. 

Mrs. Rac. No Sorrows of Werter. 

Rac. No Liniburg cheese. 

Mrs. Rac. No Carl Von Weber, i 

Rac. No Max Maretzek. 

Mrs Rac. No Beethoven. 

Rac. No symphonies in XX Minor. 

3Irs. Rac. No sonatas in G. 

Rac. No Gottschalk. 

Mrs. Rac. No soirees — no matinees. 

Rac. No hand organs. 

Mrs. Rac. Where they play such delicious things — so dreamy. 

Rac. [Aside.'\ Yes ! I always go to sleep. 

Mrs. Rac. So metaphysical that no one can understand what they 
mean. 

Rac. That is a recommendation, my love. 

l_They come down. Mrs. R. takes a book from the table, and sits 
reading on lounge, r. ; Ma. Racket takes the Art of Cookery 
slyly out of his pocket, and commences reading also. 

Mrs. Rac. [Raisins^ her head.'] What are you reading, my love 1 

Rac. [Reading.] Ah! yes — what am I reading'? [Confused.] Well 

it is — that is, it isn't [Aside.] What the d — 1 shall I say 1 Don't 

you know what my favorite authors are 1 

Mrs. Rac. It is a volume of poems — Longfellow or Walt Whit- 
man 1 

Rac. Longfellow. What a stunner ! [Aside. 

Mrs Rac. I thought so ! You choose the delicate, heavenly aspira- 
tions of the American Tennyson — the sweet bard of fancy — because his 
inspired mind claims kindred with your own. How deliciously you 
used to read poetry. Read for me a little of Endymion. You will— 



MT WIFE S MIRROR. 5 

will you ? It will remind me of those happy hours when I met you 
first ; when we paced the breezy colonnades at Long Branch together, 
and drank in the incense 

Hac. Of bad cigars. [Asid*. 

Mrs. Jiac. Read, my love. 

Hac. [Aside.] Here goes for a coup d'etat. I think we had better 
take a walk. [Conceals the book in his jiocket. 

Mrs. Rac. Oh no ! I insist upon the reading. 

Rack. \_Asidc.] What am I to do \ — when one has been married only 
a week, one must obey. My love, I've lost the book. 

Mrs. Rack. Oh, no. you've not — you put it in your pocket. 

Rack. [Aside] Well, if I must — necessitat, and so forth — I think 
I remember a bit of Endymion. [Opens the book and pretends to read. 

The rising moon has hid the stars, 
Her level rays, like golden bars, 
Lie on the landscape green 
With shadows brown between, 
And silver-white the river gleams. 
As if Diana — Diana — Di — Di — 

'—[Aside.] Dem, di's! [Closes look.] Excuse me, my love, I'm a little 
hoarse. 

Mrs. Rac. Oh, no ; your voice is so pure, so tender — it is absolutely 
tearful ! 

Rac. As if Diana — Diana — [aspens book very much confused] — to make 
beef-steaks with mushroom sauce ! 

Mrs. Rac. [Running to him and snatching the book from his hands.} 
What are you reading ] 

Rac. What a fool I was ! 

3frs. Rac. Good gracious ! — oh, dear ! — it is the Cookery Book ! 

Rac. [With expression.] Yes, ma petite bijou, it is the Cookery 
Book, the most useful as well as the most entertaining of publications. 
After all, my love, marriage is only a community of defects : we sit 
down to cat the dinner of life together — j'ou take the etherials and I 
take the solids — you send me the venison-steaks, and I will allow you 
to feed continually on Charlotte of Russia. I avow it, I am a gour- 
mand — ynu worship Longfellow, I adore Delmonico. 

Mrs. Rac. [Sorroufully.] But you may cure yourself. Try a fash- 
ionable hotel by the sea-shore, where you get nothing to eat, and the 
water-cure. 

Rcic. No, it is too late ; and since you know my taste, I will go to 
your cook and give her my favorite receipts ; you, too, will please me 
by informing yuurself, so that you may give her orders, and when we 
are alone, instead of eternally discussing Goethe and Longfellow, wo 
will pass in review the works of Ude and Soyer and the mighty mas- 
ters of the culinary art. Farewell ; I will go and order a dinner to my 
taste. [Exit (c), reading book. 

Mrs. Rac. [Sobbing — sealed c] Oh, how miserable 1 am I This is 
my poetic husband I — my angel ! — my divine perfection of a man !— 



6 MY wife's mirror. 

oh, what's this 1 [ Takes up book from lounge she has been reading, and 
reads aloud.] " The Legend of the Devil's Mirror. Beelzebub had not 
yet left the paternal roof, when one day a celebrated tourist arrived in 
the lower regions, and, with his grand accounts of foreign parts, in- 
spired Beelzebub with the idea of travelling. He set out upon the 
subterraneous railroad and naturally visited New York, where some of 
his family had high places in the city government. He directed his 
steps towards the Park to pay his respects to Satan, who lived in a 
large building with a marble facade called the City Hall. As he walked 
along Broadway, all the New Yorkers laughed. He was surprised and 
irritated. Beelzebub thought himself an Adonis ! He had never 
looked in a mirror, but his cousin Ashtaroth took him to a shop where 
looking-glasses were sold. Beelzebub uttered a cry of horror ; the 
mirror reproduced exactly all his imperfections ! — his flaming, diaboli- 
cal glances, and his frightful red beard. Beelzebub softened the fire of 
his eyes, put his beard into the hands of Phalon, became elegant, wore 
tight trousers, and was admitted into the best society, and cultivated by 
Brown. The defects shown to him by his faithful mirror, needed only 
to be seen to be corrected." Well, that gives me an idea ; I will be 
my husband's mirror. I will copy his defects exactly in order to cor- 
rect them. I will be the devil's mirror ! La Bruyere says that the 
heart of a woman is like a mirror, receiving an impression from every 
object, but retaining none. I'll make his sarcasm a fact. 

Enter Me. Racket (c). — Mrs Racket runs up to hm smiling. 

Mrs. Rac. Well, mon ami, have you ordered an artistic repast 1 

Rae. [Surprised.] How does that interest you ? 

Mrs. Rac. How ! Did you not say that marriage was only a com- 
munity of defects ! Well, I am somewhat of an epicure. 

Rac. [Disgusted.'] Bah ! you who are so spirituelle — so poetic — so 
charming — [gaihj] — for I own, without flattery, I could not have found 
a more delightful little wife. 

Mrs. Rack. Have you ordered a large eel pie 1 

Rac. [Tenderly.] My dear Susan, I desire to speak seriously ; to you 
I have devoted my life 

3Irs Rac. And baked potatoes 1 

Rac. [l. Impatiently ] Let the dinner go to the d — 1. I w=is telling 
you [tenderlyl that to you I had devoted a life of eternal tenderness. I 
shall never forget our first interview — it is a memory full of enchant- 
ment and sweetness 

Mrs. Rac. (r) With butter sauce 1 

Rac. [Irritated.] Why pour butter sauce over our love ? It seems 
to me [reproachfully] that you no longer love me, and I relied so much 
on your aflection ! But it is mine for life — for life, is it not ^ By 
little attentions, I hope to preserve it always. 

Mrs. Rac. Like hermetically sealed lobsters. Apropos of lobsters, 
I saw some in Centre Market, yesterday. Can't we have some salad 
for dinner 1 

Rac. This is disgusting. 

Mary passes c. d. with dish. 



UT wife's mirror. 7 

Mrs. Jiac. [Jvmping up and running to Mary — retnrns with a large 
piece of pie, vhich she eats voranousli/ — to Mr. Racket.] You were 
8;iying [iiioufh full] some-something about our al-i'cclion. — Oh, how 
nice this pie is ! 

Rac. [ 117*0 /las been striding about the roojn bursting with rage.] 
Stop, madam ! It is my duty to tell you the truth ! You are, madam, 
friglitfuliy ujjly when you talk in that manner, with your mouth full. 

Mrs. Jiac. [Affecting to sob, but laughing behind the pie.] This is 
the first time you have ever reproved me — you're a brute — you've made 
3'our wife's pie wet with your wife's tears, and it don't taste good — 
you're a monster — that's what you are. I never knew you to scold me 
before. 

Rac. [Coldh/.] I never knew of your defect before. 

Mrs. Rac. It is not a defect — it is only an infirmity — we all have 
them. I have a voracious appetite. 

Rac. But, madam, I like only slender and delicate women. Horrible 
thought — you will \)ecomc fat I 

Mrs. Rue. But I will if I choose. 

Rac. [Threatening.] Then we will be two. I never can live with a 
fat woman ; bah ! 

Mrs Rac. I have a right to become as fat as I like. The Code does 
not forbid it : it is not a legal ground for divorce. Ask O'Gonor ! 

Jiac. Come, my dear Susan, listen to me. It would be cruel to have 
this disenchantment bc;!iin only a week after marriage. If you desire 
to please me. 3-00 will avoid tills per[)elual conversation about cooking, 
and you will cure yourself of gluttony ; it is a vulvar, repulsive, dis- 
graceful defect, which drove Adam and Eve out of their paradise, and 
will drive us out of ours ! 

Mrs. Rac Indeed! But you cultivate this sin. However, if it dis- 
pleases you, I will promise to correct it ; but be careful not to set me 
the example. If you read the cookery book. I shall have a relapse, 
and that is always more serious than the first attack. 

Rac. Ah! that terrible volume ! [Takes up book.] See! here I con- 
sign it to the flames ! [Throws it in the fireplace. — They embrace — 
Grand tableau of reconciliation. 
Enter Mary tcith letters — Gives one to Mrs. Racket, and one to Mr. 

Racket, who goes R. and reads. [Exit Mary. 

Rac. [Reads.] 

" Sir, — I accept the verbal challenge, given by you, yesterday, and 
" my friend, SnilV Kin, of the 3G9th Regiment, New York State Mi- 
" litia. will meet any friend of yours, and arrange preliminaries, pre- 
" paratory to my doing myself I he honor of blowing out your brains. 

" In the words of Marcy to Palmerston, receive the assurances of my 
•' distinguished con.sideration. 

" Pax Peaceable. 
" The Uxion Ct.uB, ) 
Monday Morning.'''' ) 

Rac. So here's something I do like — I'll go at once. Here, boots, 
coat, every thing. [Embraces Mrs. R. and runs out. 



8 MT WIFE S MIRROR, 

Mrs. Roc. [Heading at the same time — Exits to be nearly simulta- 
neous.^ 

" General Order No. 1. 

" My Dear, — Are you under arrest, and obliged to stay at home 1 I 
'* hope you are not kept in Barracks by your husband. I think the 
" wife should command the post. But come and see me. Bring your 
" heart, and your crotchet-work — no ceremony ! fatigue dress. AH I 
" ask is, when I pass you in review, let your friendship be strong 
" enough to defy the closest inspection. Come at Two and you shall 
" see the Seventh Regiment, the elite corps of our beautiful garrison 
*' of New York, parade. (Signed) 

" Alexandrina Torpedo." 

Mrs.Rac. Here, Marianne, my cloak and hat, it's nearly two — order 
the carriage — no, I'll take the stage. [Exit. 

SCENE \l.— Boudoir of Mrs. Torpedo. 

Enter Mas. Torpedo, r., hummini>: the Ralapla, music in the Daugh- 
ter of the Regiment, and imitating drum beat, a la Alboni. 

Mrs. Torpedo. Bravo ! Splendid company that Light Guard ! What 
would Broadway be without Dodworth, and the Twelfth Regiment? I 
should like to kiss them all, especially the Pioneers. I like to cultivate 
a taste for the militia. It preserves the public peace, and makes Broad- 
way look pretty — sets up target companies, encourages the plated cake- 
basket trade, and is the best school of the soldier — not that the cavalry is 
equal to the Utah dragoons, when we commanded them. Oh, those 
were jolly times. 

Enter John, giving military salute, and card. 

Mrs. Tor. Ah ! It's that Pax ! [To John] Let him approach — right 
about face, march ! I think I'll have to marry that man. 

Enter Pax, hurriedly — Dropshat and cane. 

Paz. [Diffidently, but not stuttering.'] I — I — I've d — d — done it ! 
Mrs. Tor. You've done it. What 1 
Pax. (l.) Oh, I've cha — ch — ch — challenged — h — him ! 
Mrs. Tor. Oh ! yes ; that little affair in Broadway, yesterday. 
Well, you'll kill him, of course, and then we'll be off to Canada. 
Pax. Y — y — yes ; but — but — 

Enter Mrs. Racket, l. — Runs up to Mrs. Torpedo, a7id embraces her 

violently. 

Mrs. Tor. There! Recover! [Holds her out at arm's length."] Stand 
at ease. [Looks at her watch.] Five minutes past two; you will con- 
sider yourself under arrest. Well, how's the husband ! 

Mrs. Rack, (r ) O, beautiful — such a dear ! Such 

Mrs. Tor. (l.) Ah ! you've been married only a week, that's plain 
enough ; but you will allow me, my child, to continue my examination 
of a subject in which I take a profound interest. This gentleman has 



MY wife's mirror. 9 

just confessed to rae that he has an affair of honor. He knows that 
these things charm me. When one has commanded the Utah dragoons, 
one may espouse, for the second time, a man who is willing to prove 
his courage on the field of honor. 

Mrs. Hack. So this gentleman 

Mrs. Tor. Is my intended, whom I have the honor to introduce to 
you. Mr. Peaceable, I present you to my dear friend, Mrs. Racket. 

[P.1X shakes hand, and takes c. 

3frs. Rack. [To Mrs. Torpedo.] But are you not afraid? 

Mrs. Tor. Afraid ! no, the duel decides me. Mr. Peaceable has a 
thousand good qualities, but we have commanded the Utah dragoons, 
while Mr. Peaceable is in the civil service of the United States, a 
weigher and guager in the custom-house, and an original Buchanan 
man ; and he is so unfortunate as never to have had the slightest quar- 
rel with any one. 

Mrs. Rack. But I think that is a great merit. I am married to the 
most amiable and peaceable man in the world. He is merciful even to 
the mosquitoes ! 

Pax. (c.) So — so — am — I. 

3Irs. Tor. [To Pax.] Silence, sir; no talking in the ranks. [To Mrs. 
R.\CKET.] My child, if he is so peaceable, you ought to send him to 
Barnum, to retrieve his fallen fortunes, or ship him to Paris, for the 
conference. [To Pax.] According to your account, the person — I don't 
know his name — whom we have called out must be a bully, for he 

Pax. I'll t — t — tell you — [Stutters.'] — all about it I was coming 
down Broadway, when two ladies were coming up : they had very 
great hoops, and crowded me to the wall, when he endeavored to pass 
me with his dog ; the dog got between my legs — I trod on his tail — 
dog run under ladies' hoop — lady disgusted — policeman poked dog out 
with sticks — great crowd — people laughed — he very indignant — said I 
had mutilated his dog — demanded I should apologize to the dog — 
couldti't do it — he threw his hat at me — soon after, heard something drop 
— station-house — Judge — policeman — five dollars — blood — that's all ! 

Mrs. Rack. Horrid wretch 

Mrs. Tor. And that's enough! a most deadly insult. When we 
were commanding the Utah dragoons, the Colonel of the Arkansas 
rifles said we were a no such tiling. We fought in a trench, six feet 
long, three feet wide, and four feet deep ! with Colt's revolvers, pio- 
neer's axes, and two four-pound howitzers, lent us in the most gentle- 
manly manner by Captain Bragg, of the regulars. We were wounded, 
but all of ours called out all of the Arkansas rifles ; and such was the 
havoc, that their junior Second Lieutenant, who had the fever and 
couldn't come out, became Colonel of the regiment. 

Mrs. Rack. What brutes ! 

Pax. [Friohtencd.] But the bloodshed in duels is what displeases 
me. I might have a scar. 

Mrs. Tor. Never mind, a scar is an lionorable decoration. I trust 
you will return from the field of honor with your arm in a sling ; I shall 
then receive you as the Spartan women would have greeted Leonidas, 
if he had ever returned. I shall say, receive Pax, my hand — it is 
yours, to console you, and especially to take care of you. 



10 MY wife's mirror. 

Pax. I'm exceedingly obliged — [Aside.'] — and exceeding frightened. 

Mrs. Rac. But I cannot see why you should fight. This is a civi- 
lized community. We are not in California ; one can walk out here 
without a Bowie knife. Your adversary, sir, must be one of your bit- 
terest enemies. 

Fax. bless your soul, no — nothing of the kind ; he is one of my 
best friends ; but he is proud and passionate — awfully so. Went to 
college with him. He used to punch the heads of the entire police, and 
was rusticated for shying champagne bottles at the president's head. 
W'e used to call him Robert, the Devil. 

Mrs. Rack. [Astonished.] Robert ! 

Rax. Yes. madam — Robert Racket ! 

Mrs. Rack. Good heavens ! my husband ! 

Rax. Her husband ! Goodness gracious. 

Mrs. Tor. Her husband! Gracious goodness. 

Mrs. Rac. [ Weeping to Pax.] Oh I sir, I entreat you to relinquish 
this duel ; run away — go to 

Rax. With p— p— leas — [Crosses to L. 

Mrs. Tor. [To Pax.] Silence ! sir. Eyes right. [To Mrs. Racket.] 
Take courage, my dear, it is terrible ! but it is a point of honor. 

Rax. [Courageously — Crosses to r.] It i.« a point of honor ! 

Mrs. Rac. [To Pax. She speaks savagely, and he shrinks from 
her.] But this point of honor pierces the heart of a woman. When is 
it to be ! 

Rax. To-morrow — seven A. M. — Weehawken. 

Mrs. Rac. Then I will prevent it. I will run home and talk to Rob- 
ert. I will soften him with my tears ! He is as gentle as a lamb — a 
Jove. [Runs out c. l 

Pax. [Aside] Yes, as a lamb in a rage, and a dove in a high 
fever ! 

Mrs. Tor. Now, sir, for our pistol practice. 

[Exit, R., marching — saying, as he steps — left, left, S^c 

SCENE HI. — Same as Scene I. — Case of Pistols on table, v. e. l. 
Trick dove to fall at pistol shot. 

Enter Racket, c. 

Rac. "Well, everything must be ready by this time for our little affair 
to-murrow. I don't hardly think Pax will come to taw, though he does 
write so ferociously. If he don't, then it is nose pulling, and 

Enter Mrs. Racket, c, throws off her bonnet, and runs to Racket. 

Rac. (l.) Why, my love, your bonnet is farther oft' your head than 
ever, and there is no occasion for that with the present fashion What's 
the matter ! 

Mrs. Rac. (r.) [Leads Racket down to the fool-lights — looks ear- 
nestly in his face.} Tell me, my love, have you not the amiability of an 
angel ? 

Rac. [Lauohs.] What a queer question. 

Mrs. Rac. It is a serious one. Listen ! Are you not peaceable ? 



MY wife's mirror. 11 

Rac. As General Pierce! 

Mrs. Rac. Then why, sir, are you going to fight a duel to-morrow 1 

Jiac. Me fight a duel — well what then ? How did you find it ouf! 

Mrs. Jiac. Never mind ! I will oppose it. [Seizes pislols] I will 
stop it, as the border ruffians treat the Massachusetts abolitionists ; I 
seize your arms. 

Rac. Oh! that's of no consequence. The seconds bring the arms. 

Mrs. Rac. [Excited ] What are you about to do ! I implore you to 
think of it. You would shoot your college friend. The man who 
presses your hand cannot tread upon your dog's tail without your cut- 
ting his throat. 

Rac. [Li a rage.'] Silence, madam I You know nothing of these 
things. I tell you I was insulted, laughed at, and all for that miserable 
fellow. I am not calm, I am not peaceable. I am not the Broadway 
lounger, the quiet Sybarite you think me. No, I have fought several 
duels, and killed my man when I was abroad. You call me a bully. 
Well, a bully let it be, then ; but every time an insulting word has been 
whispered in my ears, I have sent a bullet at the ears of the insolent 
fellow who uttered it. This Pax I will kill — I will have his blood. 

Mrs Rac. [Implori7igly.'\ Now, my dear Robert, compose yourself. 
Think if he should kill you, I should die also; and if you conquer him, 
you will have murdered a poor young man, who seems full of gentle- 
ness. 

Rac. No, he is an infamous wretch, and Pll smash him as I do this 
vase. 

[Takes China vase from table, and throws on the stage, stamping 
vith his feet. 

Mrs. Rac. This then is the angel I have chosen. [Weeps.] I will try 
the mirror again. [Goes to him and shakes his hand vigorously.] It is 
well, Robert ; you have stood the test. 

Rac. [Astonished!^ Stood what 1 

Mrs. Rac. The test, I had prepared for you. If you had consented, 
like a common-place man, to sacrifice yourself for your wife, I should 
have despised you. Heaven has made us for each other. I burned 
with anger, when I heard of the in^ult. He dare to tread on your dog's 
tail ; you must have his blood ! blood ! ! 

Tine. [Stupified.'\ Mirabile dictu ! 

Mrs. Rac. (Jh ! how I wish I was a man ! I would be your second. I 
■would abuse every one I did not like, and shoot them afterwards. I 
would walk Broadway in the middle of the pave, and bully all the stage- 
drivers. If any one looked askance at me — blood ! If any one touched 
my elbow — blood ! I would have been a brave man. 

Rdc. Yes ! like the parsons, who give away rifles in church, you 
■would have made yourself supremely ridiculous. 

Mrs. Rac. [Joyously.] Do you think so ! You will not fight, then. 

Rac But I will. I never recoiled from an affair of honor. 

Mrs. Rac. ^\'ell, then I will be worthy of you. [7ukcs up pistol.] Do 
you know that I can shoot. We used to do it every day at Newport. I 
can ring the bell three times out of five. I could blow out a man's 
brains. [Goes up to the window. 



12 MY wife's mirror. 

Rac. [Aside.] Women have nothing to do with brains. 

Mrs. Rac. Reply, Oh, Lion ! Are you satisfied with your Lioness 1 

Rac. I prefer to lie down with the lamb. But since you have taken 
up your character of lioness, you no longer oppose the duel, and 
to-morrow 

Mrs. Rac. \_At the window.~\ To-morrow. Do you see that dove yon- 
der ! Well, if I were in your place, I would aim at that insolent fellow, 
as 1 aim [Aims ■pistol.~\ at that dove, and would kill him, as I am going 
to kill that bird. [Fires, bird falls. 

Rac. [Mitch affected.'] Madam, this is infamous. To kill a turtle- 
dove — the symbol of fidelity. What had this poor bird done to you ? 
See how he suffers ; haw he struggles against death. His family were 
perhaps expecting him at the dove-cote I He had his little home, where 
he was beloved — his heaven, where he was free. He falls — he is dead ! 
and why 1 Because a woman has chosen to exhibit her address. No, 
it is not a woman. It is a tigress ! 

Mrs Rac. Ah ! You reproach me, for having fired upon a bird, while 
you are going to kill the friend of your childhood. I ask you, what has 
he done to you? Has he insulted your wife, or profaned the memory 
of your mother 1 No, he has simply given a pin-scratch to your vanity, 
and this vanity replies by a pistol. You may think yourself a man of 
courage, but I tell you that a man of true courage is he who devotes 
himself to his friends, not he who kills them. I implore you, renounce 
this duel. 

Rac. You have learned me a good lesson. But I cannot now 
recede. I would if it wore possible, without being accused of cow- 
ardice. 

Enter Mary with card, gives it to Mrs. Racket. 

Mr.t. Rac. What ! Peaceable, so soon. It is to-morrow. 
Rac. You see it is no longer in my hands. 

Enter Pax. 

Pax. [To Racket.] Sir, [S/utters] I have anticipated the dreadful 
moment. You insulted me, sir, and my duty is 

Rac. To fight me, eh? 

J/;-.s. Rac. [To Pax, seizinn; Mm by the hand.] Oh! Mr. Peaceable, 
do not kill him. 

Fax. {^Placing his hand on his heart, and taking a melordramatic atti- 
tude.] Be calm ! I am incapable of it, madam. I have been thinking 
that I have an important duty to fulfil. 

Rac. What! 

Pax. [Solr.innly .] A duty to humanity. This morning I met Mrs. 
Racket, her grief affected me deeply ; I am not a monster. I am not 
a grizzly bear m human shape, I cannot see a widow and orphans in 
tears. 

Rac. Not an orphan! 

Fax. Never mind, there would be a widow ; I will not make that 
splendid creature a wiaow. I have put an extinguisher upon my anger; 
I have said to myself I must renounce this duel, from sensibility. My 



My wife's mirror. 13 

impetuous disposition at first carried me away, but I thought of your 
lovely wife and {Extends his hand, Racket takes it. 

Rac. ITo Pax.] And now we are friends again. 

[Pax twirls his hat and looks very foolish. 

Rac. Weil, my boy, what's the matter now 1 

Pax. Do you know Mrs. Aiexandrina Torpedo'? 

Jtac. No ! What sort of a woman is she \ 

Pax. Splendid creature — sort of Juno, and all that sort of thing — 
widow of a Colonel in the Utah Dragoons — passion for bowie knives. 
My heart is enrolled in her regiment — I fight under her colors — that is, 
I don't fight — and as she was very anxious for me to fight, I will be 
particularly obliged to you if you won't mention the strong proof of 
moral courage I have just given you. 

Rac. \^Laiighing.^ I promise it. 

Pax. Let it be understood, then, we have fought. 

Rac. To the death ! 

Pax. No, not to the death, exactly, as we are both alive, that would 
be slightly improbable. But if I could give her some proof — a scratch, 
a scar 

Rac. [Taking vp his pistol.} AH right, old fellow. Stand over there, 
and I'll wing you beautifully. 

Pax. [Frightened.] Oh! no — no — no jokes 

Rac. I have it, Mr. Peaceable. Nothing will look so well as to have 
your arm in a sling. [Produces black silk handkerchief.] Present your- 
self to the Colonel's widow thus, and I am confident she will say here 
is my hand for your arm. [Binds his arm.'\ It belongs to the ladies to 
look after the wounded. There you are, my Caesar. Remember I have 
your secret — if I should tell her 

Pax. Good heavens ! 

Rac. Don't be afraid ! Be discreet, and I will be silent. But if I 
want you, you are my slave. 

Pax. I swear it. 

Enter Mrs. Torpedo, hurriedly. 

Mrs. Tor. [Seeing Fax.] Ah! has it come ofTT 

Mrs. Rac. Oh ! yes — no great harm done. He has a slight wound. 
[Pax and Mrs. Torpedo speak aside. 

Pax. [Smiling.] I have the honor to announce to you my approach- 
ing marriage — I have enlisted. 

Mrs. Rac. In the Utah Dragoons 1 

Mrs. Tor. Precisely. 

Rac. [Aside.] Poor fellow, it would have been better for him if I had 
shot him. 

Mrs. Rac. Two hearts bound together with black silk. Charming 
spectacle. 

Enter Mk. Vingt-un, bows to the Ladies. 

Vingt-un. I am sorry to break up this delightful quartette 

[Mk. Racket makes telegraphic signs to him to stop. 
And particularly, madam, I beg pardon for taking away your husband, 
but he is engaged to our circle at the club, and is an hour behind time. 



14 MY wife's mirror. 

Mrs. Rac. Ah ! yes, the club — delightful place, no doubt. But why 
don't you have ladies in your circle ! It must be terribly dull. 

Pax. [Looking at Mbs. Torpedo ] Yes! like a night without stars. 
What ! is there no place for the better half of humanity ! 

Vingt-un. [Not noticing Racket, whose signals increase in vigor.'\ 
Oh ! yes ; we constantly have the Queen of Diamonds, the Queen of 
Hearts, the Duchess of Spades, and the Marchioness of Clubs. 

Mrs. Rac. [To Mr. R.] So you pass those nights in gambling which 
you told me were spent at the bed-side of your sick uncle. [To Vingt- 
un.] Is it true] 

Vingt-un. It is as you say. 

Mrs. Rac. [ With affected gaiety. "l And do you play high 1 

Vingt-un. Not very. Racket lost, however, ten thousand to a gen- 
tleman from Mississippi the other night. 

Mrs. Rac. [To Racket.] Is it possible T 

Rac. [ With decision.'\ Yes ! I am rich, I can afford it. Let us go, 
Vingt un. Hurrah for the card table ! 

Mrs. Rac. Yes I Hurrah fot the card table. [Rings bell — enter ser- 
varil.] Mary, a table and cards. [Mary brings down table and exits.l 
Play, gentlemen, not at the club, but here. I will join in the game. 

Rac. You ! 

Mrs. Rac. Yes ! I am passionately fond of gambling — I love a 
green table studded with gold and notes as the turf with daisies. I 
love to pass the night with my eyes fi.xed on a set of senseless pictures 
invented to amuse an idiot, and used to make idiots of sensible men. 
Decidedly, my love, we were made for each other. 

Rac. [Asidc.'\ So I have married a glutton and a gambler. Mem.— 
suspect marriageable young ladies, especial!)' poetic blondes. 

[He sits down and deals the cards, playitig with ViNGT-UN. 

Mrs. Rac. I will bet a thousand dollars on my husband. 

Rac. What an extravagant little wretch ! 

Mrs. Rac. Come, make the game — who takes my bet 1 

Mrs. Tor. Not I ! I abhor all gambling, except chess, and that re- 
presents a combat. [Sternly to Pax.] I am glad you never play. I 
never would have consented to marry a gambler. 

Mrs. Rac. Mr. Peaceable, will you take my bet ? 

Pax. Thank you ; I never play except with the small sword, and I 
am not yet very strong. 

Mrs. Rac. [Takes him aside.'] Bet against me, or I will tell her 
about the scarf. [Whispers in his ear. 

Pax. Great heavens ! I take the bet. 

Mrs. Tor. I shall burst with rage ! 

Rack. [To Vngt-un.] You win. 
y Mrs. Rac. [To Pax.] And so do you. 

hac. [To Vingt-un.] Shall we double the stakes 1 

Vingt-un. With pleasure. 

Mrs. Rac. [To Pax.] I will bet you two thousand on my husband ; 
and in addition, I will bet you my carriage and pair against your horse 
and Rockaway. 

Mrs. Tor. [To. Pax.] If you take that bet, I will never speak to you 
again as long as I live 



HT wife's mirror. 15 

Mrs. Rac. Come, sir, I am waiting. 

Rac. [To Mrs. R.] This is madness! One would think you had 
been cradled on a faro-table. 

Mrs Rue. \\'hat, my love, are you not charmed to see me sympa- 
thize with your tastes 1 [To Pax.] How long must I wait for you, 
sir' 

Pax. Madam, I cannot take that bet ; I have nothing. I 

Mrs. Rack. Very well, sir ; how is your wound 

Fax. I will take the bet. 

Rac. [^Irritated ] I have lost again ! The cards are bewitched. "We 
will double the stakes again. 

Mrs. Rack. And I will bet my country-house on the Hudson. 

Rac. Madam, you will ruin me ! Leave the room ! 

Mrs. Tor. [Looking at Pax.] I'll tear your eyes out ! 

Pax. [To Mus. R.] Madam, I have nothing to bet with. I have only 
a lodging-room in the Fourth Avenue. 

Mrs. Rac. Very well. By the way, where do you buy your black 
silk scarfs ? 

Pax. [Hastilr/.] I forget ; I have four lots on Murray Hill. I will 
take the bet. 

Rac I have lost seven thousand dollars ! 

Vingt-un. [Going out.] And I have won them I 

Rac. [To Mrs. R.] You are mad, woman! Our carriage — our 
country-house — all are lost ! What can be more odious than a female 
gambler ! You are positively horrid — your rosy cheeks havq become 
yellow — your bright eyes are haggard ! Looking at you has disgusted 
me with gambling. 1 will never touch another card. 

Mrs. Rac. You are then cured ? 

Rac. [Severely] What is it to you, since I am about to quit you 
forever 1 I will not live with a gambler ! 

Mrs. Rac Are you going '[ 

Mrs. Tor. [To Pax.] And I will never marry a gambler. Adieu, 
sir. 

Pax. [Aside to Mrs. Racket.] It is time to justify ourselves. 

Mrs. Rac. [7'o Mr. R.J So you desire a separation ! 

Rac. I am resolved upon it ! [A.side.] Poor thing I 

Mrs. Rac. Then I must take a decided step. [Walks up stage. 

Rack. Good heavens ! she is going to throw herself out of the 
window ! [Mrs. Racket sits at centre table, and begins to read. 

Mrs. Tor. Well, that is cool ! 

Pax. As if it was iced ! 

Rac. What, do you have the courage to sit down tranquilly and 
read when I have announced that I am about to part from you forever ! 
Y'our frightful defects have destroyed all our happiness, and you are 
as stolid as an iceberg. 

Mrs. Rac. Listen ! [Reads from hook.] " Beelzebub, who had never 
seen himself in a glass, looked one day in a Venitian mirror, and utter- 
ed a cry of terror. The mirror copied exactly all his imperfections ! — 
his flaming eyes, and his frightful red beard. He softened the lire of 
his eyes, put himself into the hands of some Broadway artists, became 



16 MX "Wife's mirror. 

charming, elegant, and fashionable ; for the defects shown him by his 
faithful friend the mirror had all disappeared." 

Rack. What does it mean 1 

Mrs. Rack. It means, my love, that I have been your mirror. I am 
not a glutton nor a gambler. Our betting was a humbug. You [/o 
Mrs. Torpedo] can marry Mr. Peaceable ; he is not a gambler, and is 
as brave as a lion. [Racket embraces her.] I have corrected you ot 
your faults, for the devil did not think himself handsome when he 
looked in the mirror. 

Rac. [Shakes hands with Mrs. R.] I acknowledge the corn. And 
now that every thing is settled, let's celebrate the event by &fete. 

All. Agreed ! 

Mrs. Rac. To the Varieties ! 

Mrs. Tor. I am going to the Tabernacle, to the Anniversary of the 
Society for the Spread of Sharpe's Rifles, Colt's Revolvers — 

Mr. Peaceable. Schiedam Schnapps — 

Mrs. Tor. And true religion all over the world. The exercises are 
refreshingly warlike. 

Rac. Very likely ! But we not being philanthropically inchned, will 
go to the theatre. 

Vingt-un. And I, not being theatrically inclined, will go to the Club, 
where we hold the mirror up to nature through the medium of a full 
pack. 

Mrs. Rac. As Wallack says, in Jaques — " So to your pleasures." — 
Well, are we all ready — hat, gloves, my lorgnette — all right ! 

Rac. Go! [^They all go up. 

Mrs. Rac. [To Mr. Rac] Have'nt you forgotten something? 

Rac. [Looking about him.] I believe I'm all right — what's the row. 

3Irs. Rac. [Brings Racket doiDn.'\ Why some of our friends [look- 
ing at audience] may expect some moral reflections. 

Rac. From our Mirror — ah, yes, beg pardon. I did forget that inter- 
esting ceremony. You'd better do it. They rather hke you — and it is 
your mirror. Pitch them something a la Hiawatha. 

Mrs. Rac. [To audience, solemnly.] 

If you ask me whence this farce is. 
Whence this furor of My Wife's Mirror, 
I should answer — I should tell you — 

All. Oh ! Oh ! [Laugh. 

Mrs. Rac. [To Pax.] Well, Achilles, you try it. 

Pax. [ With dignity.'\ Ladies and gentlemen, the moral of this piece 
is — [All laugh. 

Rac. Oh, that'll never do — nobody cares about morals, now-a-days, 
except political editors, when they desire to pitch into an opponent. [To 
audience.] My wife requests me to show you — no — that is, yes — I 
mean that our mirror will be exhibited every night. 

Mrs. Rac. And, ladies, if there are any of you that have fast hus- 
bands, try the soothing system, and take a look at — 

Rac. My Wife's Mirror. 

THE END. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



FRMCH'rAMIIRldrMAilT^ 

Pkice 12i Cents each. — Bound Volumes $1. 



VOL. I. 

1. Midsummer Night's 

Dream. 

2. Popping theQ,uestion. 

3. I>a I our de Nesle. 
■I. Deal" as a Po^t. 

5. Therese ; or. the Or- 

phan of Geneva. 

6. Flying Dutchman. 

7. New Footman. 

8. Pleasant Neighbor. 

v&. IV. ; 

25.1 Game of Life. 
2G.U,ittle 'Treasure. 
S/iKing Charming, i 
28.irocahonlas. / 

29./Komance & Reality, 
.so/ f^ea of Ice ^ 

.Slj Ol' ckn;alcer's Hati 
32V Married llitke. / 

VOL.VII^ , 

49., Married Life. ( 

50. Tom Cringle. \ 

5 1. 'Swiss ( oltsge. ' 
52.lJane Kyre. 
.5:{, Young VVidow. 
.')4.(Wenlockof Wenlock. 
55. 1( >'Flan igan and Fai- 
.50 { Irish Post. [ries. 



VOL. IL 

9. Ireland As It Is. 

10. Giuiie »( Love. 

11. Ral}; -Picker of Paris. 

12. Fkddy the Piper 
1.3. Ernestine. 

14. dombey & Son. 

15. iSkven Clerks. 

IB. Bcyaa-Q^Jjynn. , — 



VOL. III. 



17( Irish , 
18.\David 



Assura' ce. 

--., d Ciipperfield. 

l9.^Ugalino 
/20 ''J'emptation. 
21. i''orty Thieves. 
2. Paddy Carey. 
'i |»rian Boroihme. 
24.jTwo Gregories. 

/ 






, VOL. V. / 

33. King's Rival. 
SV^'Love and Murder. 
35i Carpenter of Rouen. 
3G. "Ireland and America " 
37. Jewess. [ness 

38. J'retlv Piece of Husi- 
.39.(Irish "Hroo>n Maker. 
40. ;./Ethiop. 

V- VOL. VIIL I 

v\. Ilenriettf. the Forsaken 

58. Alineilip Rosi- of Killar- 

5t. My I eighbor'sWife.[ny' 

0(1. l^^h 'i'ig.r. 

61 . Krer.ch f^py. 

(iii. Rose of Ltrickvalo 

03. 1' P., or the .\!an &. Tigel 

04. To Oblige Benson 



VOL. VI. 



4). Pilot. 

4-J. Pauline. [X-?. 

43y To I'aris and Kack for 

44< That Blessed Baby. 

4o.yi'o Pareiits& Guardians 

40.]Three Guardsmen. 

47.|()ur Gal. 

48. Night and Morning. 

"^ VOL. IX. 

65. Tamille. 

06. Eustaclie naudin. 

07. I'ariKsi .Maltravers. 
Cy. Bold Dragoons. 

09. W. plof Wish-ton-Wish 

ite .>-ecrets. 
7lV Irish Yank»"e. 

Last Days of Pompeii. 





VOL. X. 




VOL. XI. -' 




VOL. XIL 




(In Press). 




(Fn Press). 




^iii Press). 


73 


T( mpt'st. 


81. 


Ben the Boatswain. 


89. 


Bold St oke for a Hue- 


74 


A Good Fellow. 


82. 


Awkward Arrival. ' 


DO 


Crown Prince, [band 


7.1. 


Cherry and Fair Star. 


H3 


'Hen Bolt. 


91. 




76 


Gale llreezly. 


s4 


Crossing the Line. 


!I2. 


S'ailor of Prance. 


77. 


KsrnPH'lda. 


85 




\)X 


Unfinished Gentleman 


7.S. 


Our Jemima. 


hO 


Two Queens. 


94. 




70. 


Miller's Maid. 


^■7. 


Thumping l-epacy, ' 


95. 


House Dog. 


«). 


Pttt r Wilkins. ' 


88. 


Jonathan jlradford. 


no. 


Mii.eralli. 



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